It's been almost 5 years since I've written anything in this blog.

Things haven't really changed.

I still do too many drugs. I still party like there's no tomorrow. I don't live in Paris anymore, and I'm not a teenage whore anymore. I'm a 22 year old drug addict/alcoholic with no diploma, no job.

At least now I have an apartment, which is more than I can say for years 2001-2004, when I didn't.

A lot has happened in 5 years. I'm still lost and confused, through it all.

And I'm still hung up on someone.

I love him. I do. I just don't know why I do it to myself. He's under my skin. He's more than I dare to think about.

When I see him I feel like throwing myself at him I feel like saying I'm sorry for saying all the things I've said, I want to hold him and never let go.

And instead, I push him away, telling him he's an asshole, that I can't put up with his head games, and I feel like shit for it. I really do. I just wish he could be honest with me, as I've been with him, instead of leading me on a wild goose chase. You don't want me? Ok, then tell me. I'll understand.

Maybe someday I'll learn.

It's been almost 5 years since I've written anything in this blog.

Things haven't really changed.

I still do too many drugs. I still party like there's no tomorrow. I don't live in Paris anymore, and I'm not a teenage whore anymore. I'm a 22 year old drug addict/alcoholic with no diploma, no job.

At least now I have an apartment, which is more than I can say for years 2001-2004, when I didn't.

A lot has happened in 5 years. I'm still lost and confused, through it all.

And I'm still hung up on someone.

I love him. I do. I just don't know why I do it to myself. He's under my skin. He's more than I dare to think about.

When I see him I feel like throwing myself at him I feel like saying I'm sorry for saying all the things I've said, I want to hold him and never let go.

And instead, I push him away, telling him he's an asshole, that I can't put up with his head games, and I feel like shit for it. I really do. I just wish he could be honest with me, as I've been with him, instead of leading me on a wild goose chase. You don't want me? Ok, then tell me. I'll understand.

Maybe someday I'll learn.

tee hee hee. That's sluttier than 95% of the population. There could be a problem.

I'm siiiiiiick. Bleargh.

Okayyyyyyy.
That made my day.?
Bassadonf was fun. We ran all over Paris between 10 and 12, going to various people's houses to collect things, info and people. Had to run all the way to Gare du Nord from Quai de la Gare so we wouldn't miss the last train. Got on the platform and there were 4 or 5 other peeps who were headed where we were.
In the train we were warned by a guy who lived where we were going: "Creil is nothing but ghettos for miles and miles and miles. You guys are going north of Creil. The only way to get there is through the ghettos. You guys'd better wait for the next train back to Paris if you don't want to get killed."
We walked anyway. And then the infos changed (around 3 am), and we'd already walked about 5 kilometres, and where we were going was in another direction. Fuck. Thank God someone picked us up, and showed us what we'd been walking towards: Fucking ghettos as far as my eye could see. Jesus Christ. It took us about 20 minutes to get to the RDV area.. thank god we got picked up. At the RDV area we found some "teufeurs" to bring us (around 3:30 I'd say.) to the actual party, and we finally got there at 5 am. Marion and I just dived into the masses, trying to get to the sound as fast as we could; I danced until at least 11, which isn't a long time considering I got there so late. I decided to "go for a walk" and see if I could find my friends, so I could make a call home and see what was going on.
We managed to meet up and huddled around the fire outside the party, trying to warm up (Christ it was cold) and chatting about things with some peeps we'd all met.. .then this guy showed up and asked for sugar. Didn't have any:
"Awww man, I need some sugar for my absinthe!"
Me: "You don't need sugar for absinthe!! Um... can I have a sip?"
Managed to get a ride back with some people, and got home around 5 pm...
I guess I don't need to say that I was trashed for my 8 am French class.
I missed my appointment at the gynecolegist's. Fuck.
I have no seratonin left in my brain. GAH. Serves me right.
Bloody fungus.
My blog will soon be moved, I think. Just for a bit.
Miaou.

I ended up spending my Saturday night at Arthur's. Angel and Bim left around 1, and the others left around 4:30. Arthur and I continued our conversations until 7 this morning, and it had been a long time since I'd sat around with one of my buddies and chatted. It was a good thing, I mean I can't spend all my weekends running around with my over excited girlfriends, going to sound systems and club hopping and whatnot. I'd missed sitting around with my boys, the ones I can just be a goof around, and the ones I can talk to about relatively every subject under the sun, or banging around on a djembe, watching silly movies and drinking B 52s.
It was a good night. I managed to click back with an old pal that I hadn't really talked to since I'd left for China, and I needed that. Woohoo.
I'm going to see Blow with Sandra and Arthur... hmmm.. wonder how that'll be.

Back to school and I'm feeling like a mess.
I'm tired because I'm restless, I can't sleep. When I do sleep, though, it's only a couple hours at a time,
and I feel like my inner battery isn't fully charged. Impossible to take notes in French class, my teacher doesn't really give us a proper lesson, and doesn't teach us the proper methodology to analyse our texts, so we're all going to be fucked when the bac comes.
Christ. This isn't fun anymore. I used to like literature classes... but never with this teacher.
Ah well.
I wish I had more interesting things to say, but life is slightly stagnant right now. I have no stories to tell, no inspiration to write or draw, and I'm feeling passionless... and at the same time, I'm so happy. I feel like I've finally clicked into life in Paris. I never did before, because it was always "Well, I'm going back to Ottawa in three years, it doesn't matter if I fit in here or not." Now that I know I'm not going back to Ottawa because I'll be in Paris for quite some time in the near future, I just needed to find the bonds I had before and sure enough, they were there. I feel like I've found my little family of people, the ones I can trust and talk to and be an idiot with. It's no longer the way it was before.. it is, but on a different level. I have my friends, and then I have my "potes".. it's just.. it's really comforting to feel like I'm actually home. I'm getting my ID, have my citizenship day and my bac this year, I'm spending more time in Europe during vacation and actually getting to know Paris so I can find my spots.
It's great.
But I feel so empty. Still. The void is back and I don't know why.. I feel like I have all I need, but things are missing.. like a couple all nighters in a row, some 3 day parties and endless nights, endless days.
I hate school, and I miss living alone.
Oh well. A year more and it's all good...

Divan du Monde night was good, I danced for a couple hours straight without even flinching, with nothing other than a bit of alcohol and lots of energy to fuel me. Stumbled into detention half awake, half dreaming, and everyone just kind of laughed at me, because they know me so they figured I must've been out partying or something.
Saw Julien yesterday afternoon/evening, I don't know how it went really, I'm incapable of saying anything about him yet. There are things about this relationship that remind me of my relationship with Karim, and in a sense it's comforting, because that relationship was good, it gave us enough liberty to do what we wanted but at the same time we were close to eachother.
Clarification: The myth about how a pierced tongue makes things better? FALSE.. FALSE FALSE FALSE!!! It doesn't change a bloody thing.
I ended up leaving Leslie's shindig earlier than expected, I didn't know many people and I was exhausted from lack of sleep and running around Paris (Montparnasse- Champs Elysees- Pl. de Ternes- Montparnasse- Gare du Nord- Poissoniere- Crimee- Place de Clichy- Rome) , exhausted because everytime I walk into Julien's room it hits me, this big bar of sleepiness that I can't get over and that just makes me want to curl up in his bed and sleep. Which I usually end up doing. Leslie was cute last night, but I learned something that disturbed me... a girl we've known for a couple of years now, who I must admit is not my best friend in the world but I can put up with her somewhat. She just got her nose redone (I think it looked better before) and she was actually being friendly to me last night, but she was really strange... acting very dazed, and slightly lethargic, shifty eyes... so i was wodering what she could be on, but I know (or thought I knew) she wasn't much of a drug person ... anyway, she asks me if I know people who can get "everything".. well, of course, darling, I know people, but it depends on what you wants... She grabs my arm and looks up at me, and says "Cat, I need a fix. I'm in pain. It hurts so much, my whole body is in such pain, oh Cat... I need some heroin, can you get me some?"
Ummmmmm..... ?!?!?!?????!? So that's why she was being nice, ahhh, I see. "Yeah, sure, whatever, I can pull some strings but Jesus Christ, girl, that's bad for you." "I know, I know..." "You started shooting up in Lebanon?" "Yeah." "Why?" :"To make it go away. Just to make it all go away."
I knew this girl had problems, I knew she had something that wasn't right in her head and that she was probably miserable, but I didn't know that it would push her to heroin use.
Being a good person deep down, I will not try and get her any heroin. Fuck no. I don't want to be within a 10 metre radius with that junk.
That fucked up my night, completely.
Anyway. I have work to do and people to see so I'm off.

Sound System tonight at the Divan du Monde, accompanied by the always lovely Angel and Mela. Will the boys tag along eventually? Who knows.
Dad gets back tonight, with a visitor from Eastern Turkestan (Xinjiang autonmous province in China, populated by a turkic people called the Uyghur)... this should be interesting, to say the least. I for one am looking forward to the culture shock.
I can't wait to see his face when he sees/hears 3 cracked out 18 year old girls coming back from a night on the town... bet he doesn't see that often in Urumçi.
This is why you travel, I suppose.
Today is Leslie's 18th birthday. Happy Birthday, girl! Tomorrow we should celebrate with a few friends, a surprise gig... tomorrow morning at 9 I have detention, fucking arseholes up at the school put half the lit class in detention cause we keep leaving when we're not supposed to.... oops?
Dunno when I see Julien. Wouldn't mind seeing him tonight or tomorrow evening. He said he might pop by with David so maybe something'll go down.
Just going to have to wait and see. In the meantime... "Thump thump thump tweet thump thump thump tweet tweet thimp thump thump tweet..."

So now that I've come back down from my little sugar high (must love girly moments) and that I have settled back into myself again, I can see things from a better perspective.
First of all, I feel no different than usual.
Second of all, I'm not used to signs of affection coming from strange beings (ie not my parents).
Third... hmm. It's just strange. It's going to take some getting used to.
But he's cute. He has weird habits, and very curious eyes, so he reminds me of a kid gone nuts. He can pounce on you at any given time.
Oh my God. I've snagged my own personal Hobbes. I've always wanted a Hobbes to play with. And now I have one.
This could be better than I imagined. Whee...

I had a good day today.. I got along with my French teacher, I had stuff done and was productive. English.. well English is always a riot because our teacher was replaced and we have a ... strange middle-aged disheveled British man who looks like he's on crack... what happened to my saintly, naïve, petrified little girl from Seattle who loved my essays and who would let us lead the class because we all had straight A's and acted like gits.
Stafford was the best. Grrr. Anyway.
It was nice out.. all sunny and warm.. we ended up squatting the park today instead of huddled over cups of over-priced disgusting coffee at the EuroSport..
Yeah. Today was a good day.

Okay... so the long, grueling wait is over.
He came.
I am no longer a single femme fatale.
I am sad. But then again... well, is that a problem? I've been pretty much alone for over a year and a half (Karim exempted, as I've said before) so maybe I should just let myself live a bit. Oh wow. I'm so excited. So happy, I could do cartwheels!!!.. that is, if I knew how. I have never felt so young and giggly, so silly and superficial.
ME?! Catherine, happy because some dick on a stick decided that I was good enough for him. Maybe that's not exactly the way it happened.. After all, I did give him some of my time (and efforts, nit) so I guess I'm deserving.
Either way.
I'm not single anymore! Woo!!!
To top it off, my two bests here are dating his two bests... this is too fucking weird for me. This is the kind of situation I dreamed about when I was a kid. And now.... wow.
Be happy for me?